from the heart

well i'm gonna be honest here....i've had a very unusual day... a lot of 'me' time where i sat alonea nd had a bit of a think about who i am as a person.

before i get into the deep stuff....today i went driving with patsy this mornign and then chilled at the beach with chase, bryce and jordan, and those creepy juvie yr 9s who kept asking me for my number - WEIRD!

i called upon the rape whistle more than once :P

a also came upon this quote on someones fb page...and i adore it :

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr.Suess

well anyway....it dawned on me today that maybe i'm not the sorta person i wanna be..... i think i've made great strides in my development as a person over the last year
as lucy will tell you how much of a tool i used to be....

but i honestly feel as though ive hit a bit of a brick wall or a dead end in that i have these hurdles which i just can't seem to jump

or in mitchell freeway terms....these roadblocks i can't seem to manouevre around.

its much easier for me to speak from the heart if i use metaphors and euthanisms so bear with me as i don't wish to be vulnerable and those who get me will understand what i'm saying.....

so basically i'm in a position where all i want is to be with a certain person.....but i've wanted another person so badly for so long that i've kinda forgotten how to want anything else

i know it sounds cliched...but just bear with me i'm really bad at expressing my feelings so yeahhhhh.

so why do i allow this case of self-sabotage to continue?

if i had an answer for that question maybe it would solve my problems

all i know is this 'issue' cannot continue....it is firstly not fair on others who get close to me...who when everything is seemingly going well hit a dead end with no thru road (again with the freeway references!)

i wonder whether there is something wrong with me...or am i just that innocent little boy standing in front of that innocent little girl wishing she would love him as he loves her.....

maybe it's time i read between the lines and accepted my rejection and finally take 'no' for an answer and cease living in this world of fantasy where i still believe it will work out when evidently it won't....

maybe it's time for me to stop being so pathetic, grow a pair and build a bridge and get over it!

well anyway i think i've made my point...not just to all my followers but to myself

because life's too short to spend so long wanting one thing when inevitably i will never have

life is so good for me atm.....i can run again, i have amazing friends from all different sources, school, footy, netzer, and lucy's peeepzzz. I will have my driving license in the foreseeable future and school graduation is very much visible on the horizon, as well as holidays and sydney with luciferous :D

well overall it's been a pretty emotional day...and i hope that although i am terrible at showing my feelings and displaying to the people i care about that i love them so....

i hope the ones who matter understand my pathetic attempts of expressing my feelings, through cowardly euthanisms and metaphors

i reaaly do you love you guys
xoxo
toodles